I guess I was wrong...

I always thought for almost 15 years I did while I was morningstar's Sir:  " BUT this is more D/s than any other relationship I have ever had.  I believe no matter what he will help me through it......... he does have my back -- he will protect me -- support me -- be there for me. ".

Sadly I guess I was so very, very wrong and that hurts me deeply... It IS now time to forget her, the Kingston BDSM community that have hated me ( so I am told my morningstar's blog about me ) since I arrived here.





So now it is time to throw out all the BDSM equipment, toys ( hope the Kingston garbage people take it ) and the good memories ( as least in MY mind ).

She is at it again.....

She is writing how good her new young Dom has a wonderful penis and complaining about my lack but doesn't say the reason why 😂 " Fast forward to my relationship with my ex Dom.... there was no penal intercourse ... he used fingers toys whatever was at hand.  And yeah I thought it was pretty amazing cause I hadn't done much 'research' and certainly didn't know better.

Then after nearly 15 years of no penis....."

WELL it ISN'T my fault that I then and STILL have Diabetics !! I thought I did the best I could to keep her happy, well I guess ( now I know ) I didn't...

I truly wonder why I am still here on Earth with thinking like this!!!!!

I am very happy she now has a Prick she loves and gets...

Well I NEVER thought I would ever make the following statement but after long and hard thinking, I have decided to step away from the BDSM Community ESPECIALLY the Kingston area BDSM community ( oh I can hear the cheers now cumming from them ) once and finally...

It has been make clear enough ( it has taken me a bit of time ) that no one gives a dam or supports me in anyway.  That was proven to me after m ( S ) wrote her blog calling me " her " stalker ( hell I haven't been hers since present Dom first played with her ) and got NO ONE'S support ( correction got one but really wasn't there ) in ANY way shape or form, but she SURE as hell did !!!

Now, all I have to do is decide what to do with all my BDSM equipment that I collected over the years to keep her happy...  I just don't want to shock the Kingston garbage/recycle collectors...

Finally, I guess I should have stayed with my love of Bondage and nothing more but I thought I was in love and wanted to satisfy the sub that I thought would be there until I died.

I would wish all to " have a knotty day " but my heart is NO LONGER in it...

Wondering why???

Here I go again, thinking ( yes I know it hurts ) out loud again and I don't know why but what the hell.

I really wonder why I left an area of BDSM that I loved all my life ( Bondage ) and left it for a submissive that I honestly had NO IDEA how to treat correctly? 

After almost 15 years you would have thought I should have walked away ( we did break up once and since the break up she has said she shouldn't come back these are my words she says things much better than I do ) and I didn't..  Since the breakup, I have lost the love of BDSM yet I keep trying to knot to, so I am thinking of throwing out all my BDSM things, butt at the same time I want to keep them as fond memories I did have but seeing them also brings back very bad memories ( mostly my fault butt some of hers too ).

After taking a break of attending munches, I shouldn't have and if verbal fights starts well so be it, butt I decided I wouldn't place hosts into that position so I backed off, butt I started to go back to them, butt honestly I am knot getting anything out of them I feel like a stranger and I don't do well as a stranger as hard as that is to believe for people that know me.  So I think I won't attend anymore unless a miracle happens ( and how many of you or me believe in miracles? ).

So unlike someone saying dreams CAN come true, my dreams are almost down the drain and won't ever happen again...  How can I be so stupid? >>>>  VERY !!!! 

Well for some earlier years at least it was a fun, an enjoyable time in the BDSM Lifestyle, one I thought would last until my natural death...

Words hurt more than actions..?

Usually in my many years (too many) of living on the hateful world I have found actions are much better than words  since one can hear and see  what is TRYING to be said rather than trying to figure out what the other person is trying  to said WITHOUT any mistakes.

However, lately words have been written  ( all be it for them and the one's THEY wanted to have seen ) and read now by others that have VERY, very DEEPLY hurt ( although I am knot sure they were totally meant to, although some might have been.. ) in MY mind and heart especially my heart.

These words that were written just showed how much my life has been a TOTAL waste of time AND before anyone jumps on me, yes I know I have done some good but over all a waste!!!  A waste of time especially in the love area especially the last one...  I know she is love with her present man, I just don't understand why she stayed and moved with me ( even though it was her idea to head to the city I have ended up in even though I did agree, made sense at the time ) when she was in " love " with her present mate and had declared it SEVERAL times over the past month??  I SHOULD have know this but foolishly didn't and now I am paying the price !!  I no longer trust/open my heart to anyone, if anything I distrust EVERYONE if not hate the whole world!!  I don't ( sort of ) or can't really blame her as it lays squarely on my shoulders.

People have told me ( nicely and with love in there hearts ) that I should go see a medical person again, especially since it is that time once again that BELL CANADA has started its " Let's Talk " campaign only problem is the last medical ( shrink ) person decided to go ( even though I was her client first ) with her and tell me to leave and find someone else, hell she didn't even make arrangements to meet with that medical person she suggested, not even my GP that knew what was going to happen!  Although Bell's campaign deep down is a good one, it ISN'T good for everyone that NO LONGER TRUSTS ANY medical person.  Every time I see their commercial I want to reach for something to kill myself since it brings me back to the fact I have FAILED in SO many ways.  The only good thing is my parents, Grandparents aren't around to see me fail and be so NOT PROUD of me...

In closing, since I am going down hill again, hell I can't even end this, with only saying EVERYTHING no longer interests me like BDSM even though in Kingston my name is mud because of the breakup ( now almost over 3 years ago ) even though I started going back to some munches

It is ALMOST that time of the year again, Christmas, the season of happiness BAH HUMBUG !!

Now that I have said those two awful words " BAH HUMBUG " and for most people in this world I have just sworn at them and to them I am sorry I have ruined they happiness of the season, but there are other people in this world that Christmas ISN'T a very happy time and some even take their lives with their sadness.

For me, I have said Bah Humbug for years mostly because my birthday is around Christmas and for as long as I can remember ( and it could be wrong ) I was screwed out having a " proper " birthday or Christmas since for the most part they were ALWAYS joined together and I lost out.  I DO feel for those people that have their birthday's on Christmas Day that is even worse as they could end up having to take second place to HIM especially those in very religious families...  Don't get me wrong I LOVE seeing little kids and how they look forward to Santa's visit and I NEVER bring on Scrooge when they are around...  The other day, I read how someone is LOVING her time ONCE again, since I ruined it for her over 15 years and that REALLY hurt me more than one could believe and everyone wonders why I HATE Christmas with thinking and worse SAYING it publicly ( well almost publicly ).

I will say my goodbyes for now as I don't wish to upset anyone else this world anymore than I have, so do celebrate these upcoming holidays the best way you can and enjoy the feelings you get...

July 30 2017

Well usual I don't know why I am here but since I don't have any medical assistance anymore ( now unlike before it is my choice ) to go talk things over, now to be fair to the MDs I don't know how they could help me anyways, I am WAY passed that....

Yesterday would have been " our " anniversary but this year was different, I REALLY didn't care if S was in my life or knot.  She had moved away, " fallen " in love once again and wants me to forget I ever knew her.  Well, I am S butt I can't throw out almost 15 years of memories like you can!!  Also, I am a bit ( well more than a bit ) pissed off when S makes claims like the one she did the other day by saying something like this " Never before have I had a man who knows exactly how to make me cum. " it just isn't true, oh I am knot saying the new fella isn't doing a good job or how her Ex would like hearing this, but for me I she should said sorry I make a mistake as I am still cleaning up the ponds she left around here and back in DDO courteously from me.

Life around here is getting very boring and daily I think more and more why the hell am I still around when it seems no one wants me unless it is to help them out...  Surprise, surprise in a couple of weeks I will be getting my first overnight guests since I moved to Kingston.  The biggest surprise is it is one of my Ex's and her husband from back home.  Part of me looking forward to their visit while at the same time I am scared I am going do or say something that is going to piss them off since I have become a very much " Grouchy Old Man " and they are one of my few ( very few ) friends left I have in this world.

I have had a weird, but interesting Sunday afternoon.  For the pass months now I have become more and more a nudist and have signed up to several websites on the Net.  Today I got a FB message request that I decided to allow.  It turned out to be someone from Scotland offering me a couple of  nude places that might be good hang out not realizing I lived in Canada ( sadly there aren't many around here ), when I touched base with him he wasn't around right then ( butt did show up later ) so I talked to his lady.  Well after awhile ( I really don't know how ) we ended up me making her cum via words something I haven't done in years, many years and I sort of enjoyed it although I did have my worries I was cheating on him, but when I talked to him about it he said it was ok with him and since his lady was asking if we could do it again I had a long talk to him about it and he did clear it to do it again IF it happens again....  This WORLD is weird...

I am thinking of maybe, just maybe I might start going back to a couple of munchies around here although I am really scared, REALLY SCARED, I don't do well going to places/meeting with people but especially with people that I once called " friends ".

Well that is what has been on my mind lately although I am sure I have forgotten something or don't wish to bore you...