Thursday, June 11, 2009

Have I once again, screwed up things?

Have I once again, screwed up things, I think so, ( NO I KNOW SO )? littleone has stopped blogging something she has always done and loved on a daily basis.

Over the weekend I said something to her and as usual I said it incorrectly, even though what I said needed to be said in My foolish mind. If that wasn't enough I sent her an email saying that I think there should be no more vanilla things or two houses done anymore.

Was My timing wrong HELL yes, ( she is still having flu problems ) was what I said wrong no as I have noticed more and more how upset ( My word not hers ) she was getting with dealing with these and other subjects.

I was telling a client today ( that had noticed I was very short tempered ) that everyone wants Me yet if I say no when I am overloaded they get upset when I am not there. I told her that I was between a rock and a hard place and I wasn't keeping ANYONE happy especially Me. If I drop out they will be pissed, if I stay I am going to angrier and they will get pissed too.

Honestly, I just don't know what the hell to do. I know I am not giving littleone what she wants/needs/deserves and I honestly don't know at this stage if I ever can. It isn't her fault in anyway but Mine, but I know she will blame herself and nothing I do/say will change her thinking ( there is that rock again ).

As her youngest is always saying " Sucks to be you ", what I am thinking is where is Clarence from the movie " It's a Wonderful Life " ? As I am feeling more and more like George Bailey. I have/am screwing up more things than I am fixing.

I know what I have said will make her cry, sick to her stomach and few other things, but this is what going around in My brains that is full of rocks.

Everyone seems to think I have all the answers, well this time I haven't got any and the ones I do have no one is going to like...


swan said...

You two have come through difficult places before this. I am sitting here choosing to believe that the two of you will weather this storm too. I do not know details, but I am here and wanting to help if I can.

All the best,

Hisflower said...

i agree with swan- i believe the two of you can and will get through whatever difficulties there are right now. your love and commitment to each other is too strong to just let things go. i hope morningstar comes back to blogging- for herself as well as for me- and yes, i know thats selfish of me, but i have come to care about everyone i read.we as subs/ slaves believe our Masters always have all the answers, but truth be told, thats not always the case. we need to always work together-Master and submissive..we need to put out our hands to each other, to help each other along the path. i send my very best wishes and lots of hugs to you both.

Buffalo said...

Hang in there, my friend.

Anonymous said...

I'm a little bit confused...

Did you say to her that you could no longer be her Sir, or just that you didn't think you were giving her what she wanted and therefore felt you should remove yourself from the position?

BTW, dominants who blog are such a rare breed and I love reading things from your point of view :)

BlazngScarlet said...

I am keeping you in my thoughts as well.
I believe you will work it out ... together.

anna said...

Are you sure you know what she wants/needs/deserves? Maybe it's time for some seriously open communication. I don't see how telling her there will be no more vanilla things is giving her what she needs. Life in general encompasses many vanilla things - so does this mean you only want to see her when it's time to play a little? Do you really think she is that type of submissive - a part time submissive? And no more two houses... how does that work unless you're implying the two of you should move in together?

By the way, that whole "it's not your fault, it's all mine" thing really doesn't work.

And forgive me for sounding harsh here, but saying things the wrong way or in a way that it wasn't intended just doesn't fly. I've had lots of experience with hearing, "that's not what I mean" and it's a very poor excuse for an adult who is perfectly fluent in the language they are speaking. Choose your words carefully... especially when you know the words could damage.

Again, forgive me for sounding harsh, but I care for both of you and I can imagine the pain she is feeling right now and it seems to be needless suffering. PLEASE communicate with each other.

viemoira said...

i just began reading your Blog after reading your littleone's for sometime. i see many similarities with stuff me and my Sir struggle with.

Reading this made me think of when my mother was told by a doctor that he could not fix her ailment and she looked at him and said in a sarcastic manor "you mean you're not a God?"
i hope this comment comes across the way i intend it.

Many times i feel as though Sir is my God and then sometimes i feel really upset and letdown when He is in control of everything and things go wrong. i am coming to terms with the fact that He is indeed human and external factors cannot always be controlled, nor can He read my mind to always know what my reaction/feelings will be.