Thursday, January 11, 2018

Words hurt more than actions..?


Usually in my many years (too many) of living on the hateful world I have found actions are much better than words  since one can hear and see  what is TRYING to be said rather than trying to figure out what the other person is trying  to said WITHOUT any mistakes.

However, lately words have been written  ( all be it for them and the one's THEY wanted to have seen ) and read now by others that have VERY, very DEEPLY hurt ( although I am knot sure they were totally meant to, although some might have been.. ) in MY mind and heart especially my heart.

These words that were written just showed how much my life has been a TOTAL waste of time AND before anyone jumps on me, yes I know I have done some good but over all a waste!!!  A waste of time especially in the love area especially the last one...  I know she is love with her present man, I just don't understand why she stayed and moved with me ( even though it was her idea to head to the city I have ended up in even though I did agree, made sense at the time ) when she was in " love " with her present mate and had declared it SEVERAL times over the past month??  I SHOULD have know this but foolishly didn't and now I am paying the price !!  I no longer trust/open my heart to anyone, if anything I distrust EVERYONE if not hate the whole world!!  I don't ( sort of ) or can't really blame her as it lays squarely on my shoulders.

People have told me ( nicely and with love in there hearts ) that I should go see a medical person again, especially since it is that time once again that BELL CANADA has started its " Let's Talk " campaign only problem is the last medical ( shrink ) person decided to go ( even though I was her client first ) with her and tell me to leave and find someone else, hell she didn't even make arrangements to meet with that medical person she suggested, not even my GP that knew what was going to happen!  Although Bell's campaign deep down is a good one, it ISN'T good for everyone that NO LONGER TRUSTS ANY medical person.  Every time I see their commercial I want to reach for something to kill myself since it brings me back to the fact I have FAILED in SO many ways.  The only good thing is my parents, Grandparents aren't around to see me fail and be so NOT PROUD of me...

In closing, since I am going down hill again, hell I can't even end this, with only saying EVERYTHING no longer interests me like BDSM even though in Kingston my name is mud because of the breakup ( now almost over 3 years ago ) even though I started going back to some munches

Saturday, December 16, 2017

It is ALMOST that time of the year again, Christmas, the season of happiness BAH HUMBUG !!






Now that I have said those two awful words " BAH HUMBUG " and for most people in this world I have just sworn at them and to them I am sorry I have ruined they happiness of the season, but there are other people in this world that Christmas ISN'T a very happy time and some even take their lives with their sadness.

For me, I have said Bah Humbug for years mostly because my birthday is around Christmas and for as long as I can remember ( and it could be wrong ) I was screwed out having a " proper " birthday or Christmas since for the most part they were ALWAYS joined together and I lost out.  I DO feel for those people that have their birthday's on Christmas Day that is even worse as they could end up having to take second place to HIM especially those in very religious families...  Don't get me wrong I LOVE seeing little kids and how they look forward to Santa's visit and I NEVER bring on Scrooge when they are around...  The other day, I read how someone is LOVING her time ONCE again, since I ruined it for her over 15 years and that REALLY hurt me more than one could believe and everyone wonders why I HATE Christmas with thinking and worse SAYING it publicly ( well almost publicly ).

I will say my goodbyes for now as I don't wish to upset anyone else this world anymore than I have, so do celebrate these upcoming holidays the best way you can and enjoy the feelings you get...

Sunday, July 30, 2017

July 30 2017

Well usual I don't know why I am here but since I don't have any medical assistance anymore ( now unlike before it is my choice ) to go talk things over, now to be fair to the MDs I don't know how they could help me anyways, I am WAY passed that....

Yesterday would have been " our " anniversary but this year was different, I REALLY didn't care if S was in my life or knot.  She had moved away, " fallen " in love once again and wants me to forget I ever knew her.  Well, I am S butt I can't throw out almost 15 years of memories like you can!!  Also, I am a bit ( well more than a bit ) pissed off when S makes claims like the one she did the other day by saying something like this " Never before have I had a man who knows exactly how to make me cum. " it just isn't true, oh I am knot saying the new fella isn't doing a good job or how her Ex would like hearing this, but for me I she should said sorry I make a mistake as I am still cleaning up the ponds she left around here and back in DDO courteously from me.

Life around here is getting very boring and daily I think more and more why the hell am I still around when it seems no one wants me unless it is to help them out...  Surprise, surprise in a couple of weeks I will be getting my first overnight guests since I moved to Kingston.  The biggest surprise is it is one of my Ex's and her husband from back home.  Part of me looking forward to their visit while at the same time I am scared I am going do or say something that is going to piss them off since I have become a very much " Grouchy Old Man " and they are one of my few ( very few ) friends left I have in this world.

I have had a weird, but interesting Sunday afternoon.  For the pass months now I have become more and more a nudist and have signed up to several websites on the Net.  Today I got a FB message request that I decided to allow.  It turned out to be someone from Scotland offering me a couple of  nude places that might be good hang out not realizing I lived in Canada ( sadly there aren't many around here ), when I touched base with him he wasn't around right then ( butt did show up later ) so I talked to his lady.  Well after awhile ( I really don't know how ) we ended up me making her cum via words something I haven't done in years, many years and I sort of enjoyed it although I did have my worries I was cheating on him, but when I talked to him about it he said it was ok with him and since his lady was asking if we could do it again I had a long talk to him about it and he did clear it to do it again IF it happens again....  This WORLD is weird...

I am thinking of maybe, just maybe I might start going back to a couple of munchies around here although I am really scared, REALLY SCARED, I don't do well going to places/meeting with people but especially with people that I once called " friends ".

Well that is what has been on my mind lately although I am sure I have forgotten something or don't wish to bore you...

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

You try to be nice and you get kicked in the ass....

This morning one of my American relatives posted this photo ->>
on Facebook and knowing how much the Ex liked camping I left a comment about this, well didn't she respond.  Below is the way the conversation went:

Me: My Ex, would have loved this...

Ex:  I DO love it ! especially now when I am sharing the fire with someone who loves it too :)

Me:  I am sorry I made almost 15 years of your life a living hell... I'm paying the price for it....

Ex:   sorry -- I won't play this game with you -- you get to play IT all by yourself!

Me: I wasn't playing a game just though you would have liked this photo, it was YOU that started things again....


ALL I was trying to do was make nice and all I got was a kick in the ass in MY opinion and accused of " playing games " and I would think in others too or have I been so poisoned that I am wrong and if that is the case, then what the hell is my use of staying around.

It is bad enough I can't forget the almost 15 years we were together or the fact that I changed my WHOLE life because of her wanting to live in Kingston and now at the end of the month she is leaving and she has clearing finished with me and gotten everything she wanted no matter what it has cost me...  Somehow almost ALL the former friends and acquaintances here in Kingston have forgotten I ever lived here...

How do I end this, God knows, sadly he isn't able to tell/show me and I am getting the end of things.

Am I bitter? no just totally confused and hurt that I could have been so dam foolish, well my mind and heart are both saying it WILL NEVER happen EVER again which sure will make a lousy life one I am not looking forward too...

Tuesday, March 07, 2017

Friday, March 03, 2017

Fairy tales/dreams CAN'T come true to some....

Well for those that dream and DO believe in fairy tales that is wonderful and to them I hope Santa brings them what they want...

For me though, MY dreams haven't come true and I sure can't see them doing so in the near or distance future !!!

In the near future I will be alone in a town that I moved to for that " dream " or fairy tale life with the person I KNEW I loved ( until I screwed up medically ) and was willing to up root my life that was well established and I enjoyed...  Well without going into any of the details or placing blame on ANYONE she walked out the door...

In the break up things were said, BDSM people took sides and I LOST big time and still am paying for those mistakes...

So boys and girls Fairy Tales DON'T come true to some and honestly I really don't know what my next step is although I do have something in mind that I DO hope I will complete very VERY soon as day by day I get more bitter, less loving and just keep the door closed and locked longer...

But I do THANK someone for KILLING my dreams and hopes especially later in my life....

Tuesday, August 02, 2016

Sometimes a mind IS a just a pain in the ASS and knot a pleasant way either !!

A couple of things I have been thinking about ( yes, I know that is a bad thing, butt that is what happens when you are left alone for too long ) munches and purchases....

The other day I was in a Cdn Tire store and notice a roll of rope, all different colors too, and decided to purchase a nice red one.  It was a very good price although I really didn't need it as it will most likely never see any action ether on Me or on someone else.  I wonder why I am still purchasing things like that as I can't see Myself every playing now or in the future, especially around this neck of the woods....

Now, on to the other thing I was thinking about, munches.....  Since m and I parted ways I have knot attended any of the old munches that we use to attend around here since people were bad mouthing Me and I felt it wasn't fair to the hosts that their munches have any problems if someone said/might say anything during one of them.

I have been attending other munches but further away from home base ( even up to 3-4 hrs away ) and the people and hosts have been very kind to Me even if one " Kingston " person told me I was rude and they wouldn't accept my friendship of Fet because of that, which I honestly don't understand their thinking ( over My many years of being around on this planet I have never been called rude, maybe other things ) butt at this stage I just chalked it up to that " Kingston " thinking once again, yet that isn't what has had My mind going. Now,I hope I don't offend My hosts as I don't blame them but lately I have felt when I have left the munches that I was welcomed to the munches butt not into the group as a whole or what they did other than just the munch.

Also, the past couple of munches there has been someone there that I once thought we were friends butt she too walked away ( maybe that was the wrong word more like stormed away ) because she didn't like a vanilla joke I said on Facebook.  As I told her back then if you don't wish to be My friend so be it, butt lately she and I have attended the same munches and well I honestly don't know how to act around her, should I just ignore her or strike up/join in a conversation?

So there you have it, that's what My mind has been dealing with butt one thing I have decided is I am knot going to attend anymore munches ( phase I )....